She Hungered and Blood Pact: A postmortem
Reflecting on adult game development's complexities.
Ame H (Fair Use)
When I sat down to write and develop Blood Pact back in January 2019, I started with a simple goal: create an erotica story that I could turn into a Twine game. I figured the entire process would take a few months at best. One month to write, one to revise, one to program. Instead, it took half a year, not including the extra time in late fall/early winter to put together the premium version. Reaching the finish line felt like running a winter 4K in short shorts.
When I put together my latest Twine game, She Hungered, I expected a similarly strenuous process. Instead, it was the total opposite. Everything came together seamlessly, smoothly, and quickly. I was baffled. What the hell happened? Why was development so much easier? Let me talk about some of the intricacies adult game developers have to navigate when they create an 18+ title, and how it can force us to acknowledge some of our shortcomings as project managers and creators.
Ana Valens and Chuuurls (Fair Use)
Generally speaking, onlookers assume adult game development happens with one hand. That’s just not true. The porn game development cycle mirrors the SFW side of game development. In both cases, a developer sits down, comes up with an idea for a game, and creates a scope for development. This scope factors in the game’s basic narrative details, gameplay features, its core demographic, and a realistic timeline for its development. Most AAA studios and AA indie teams formalize this process with a design doc; smaller teams may have a loose, collectively understood idea in mind, much more like some scribbles on a cocktail napkin than a formalized design process. No matter. Once a team is on the same page, everyone gets to work turning the project into a reality.
The difference is that the adult game developer takes into account their player’s erotic and sexual interests. What does the core demographic want to experience when they play, and how will they be able to see it? These considerations are given moderate to high priority at the start of development, but it ultimately factors into project management alongside myriad other design issues: is the UX approachable, does the story make sense, is the gameplay fun, do players enjoy their time with the game?, etc. In this regard, a healthy adult game dev work environment is led by a project lead that prioritizes the player’s needs and experiences in development while maintaining team members’ requests and boundaries. This means sexual and erotic desires are treated as a game design component that’s professionally considered in both design (e.g.: “how do we properly implement tentacle seex?”) but also as a workplace management issue (e.g.: “can I send you some reference images for how I want this tentacle scene done?” “do you need any CWs for content?”). That’s how development worked in Blood Pact, and it’s also how development worked with She Hungered.
One thing I wasn’t ready for when I developed Blood Pact, though, was stepping up to the plate as a leader and manager for a moderately-sized adult game project. I lacked confidence in my work and my identity as a trans lesbian adult creator, and this bled into my self-assurance (or lack thereof) as a project manager. I struggled to stay focused and communicate directly with others. I didn’t set boundaries with myself on story edits and revisions. I took criticism way too personally out of shame and embarassment. This lack of confidence caused a ripple effect that impacted not just the project’s release, but also made communication difficult between myself and my artist. When there were real issues on the table for us to work through, such as sensitively navigating Alexa’s identity as a chicana trans woman, I struggled to come to the table without taking it personally.
Suddenly, three or four months became six. It wasn’t fun to experience a communication breakdown, and it led me to take a break from adult game development for a couple months while I sat and reflected on what went wrong on my part. I started a few projects between Blood Pact and She Hungered, but none of them really stuck. I needed more time to think. So I continued to do a private postmortem in my head until I was ready to try again.
In the meantime, I kept reporting on adult game development for the Daily Dot. I learned how a lot of adult developers and kink organizers also deal with project management conundrums during their first game, and how a debut title can be a baptism by fire. Meanwhile, interviews with the size community made me realize that shame and low confidence were pervasive issues for many adult organizers and creators, ones that required management and self-awareness. I didn’t need to feel ashamed for feeling shame. I just needed to own it.
By the time this finished, it was July 2020. That month, I decided to sit down and develop She Hungered. And when I started the development cycle, I walked in with three new values:
Develop good boundaries, both with yourself and with your project team. Check in on the folks you’re working with and make sure they’re feeling good about the workload. Kill the perfectionist in your head and learn to cross out “enough” from “good enough”
Good chemistry is everything. Are you and your crew on the same page? Do you have similar values? Is it easy to navigate conflict, or are problems left unresolved?
Acknowledge my weaknesses. I’m sensitive around my work and I care what other people think. As a project lead, I had to learn how mitigate this through #1 & #2, but also learning how to slow down, take breaks, let myself walk away from development and come back to problems later
She Hungered was a realignment project. It was an experiment where I redid my approach to adult game development in order to build my confidence back up. And it worked.
The first thing I did was change the way I wrote my script. Instead of starting from scratch, I chose a story I published years ago and adored, but wanted to revise for my far more contemporary interests. I spent about two months editing and rewriting the script. The new version would embrace a queer cis/trans romance plot line and would (subconsciously, I’ve since realized) explore some of the things on my mind after Blood Pact: shame, repression, boundaries, taboo desires. I added a new character that became a conduit for exploring all this, serving as a vehicle for unpacking all the tension, anxiety, and lust hidden inside the protagonist, Jessie. Again, definitely not a coincidence, I’m realizing. Jessie’s journey is a one-hour version of my seven months in reflection.
Everything else quickly fell into place. I shared strong chemistry with Ame, She Hungered’s artist: we knew how to easily bounce ideas off each other while keeping expectations flexible yet fair. Collette, our sensitivity consultant, did a fantastic job communicating their knowledge gaps about vore and macrophilia while also giving guidance on revising Leah’s background as a Cambodian-American trans woman. And not unlike Blood Pact, my beta readers and playtesters did a lovely job pinpointing what they did (and didn’t!) like about She Hungered’s story, while also acknowledging where their interests didn’t necessarily intersect with my own. I’m not sure things could’ve come together any better. Everyone was on the same page and executed their role perfectly.
This, I learned, is what happens when you recognize your weaknesses, build strong boundaries, and cultivate direct communication between team members. Things become easier and less stressful. The whole process was a huge inspiration to me and motivated me to tackle Blood Pact’s second part next (after a short break, anyway).
Ame H (Fair Use)
Adult game development can be a difficult and laborious thing, because it can force us to reckon with parts ourselves we weren’t ready to quite yet. I know the next time I sit down to develop a game, I’ll still have issues with shame and sensitivity around my work. I’ll still have to take breaks and make time for myself (esp., again, during a major pandemic). I’ll still make mistakes and fuck up.
But game development is a professional undertaking, and skills we learn in one field transfer over to others, even when the subject matter is less “coordinating stories with editors” and more “writing women horny for giantess vore.” She Hungered taught me that I can work through some of the biggest issues on my mind and learn how to cope with them while still organizing, managing, and executing a major adult project. It turns out after your first 4K, your next is a little easier. You pack thermal pants instead of short shorts. That’s something I hope inspires other adult devs, particularly newcomers like myself, who may be just as nervous about their first few miles as I was after mine.
Special thank you to Louise Ashley Yeo Payne for your generous Sex-Haver contribution.